Saint Mary

Link to the Diocese of Blackburn website

Church Magazine Bloomers

You know what they meant, but what they said was.. These church magazine bloomers are (allegedly!) all true...

The choir seems to have been a fertile source:

� At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be �What Is Hell?� Come early and listen to our choir practice.

� Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

� The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to see the organist after the service.

� Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

� This evening at 7 pm there will be hymn-singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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As does food:

� The cost of The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

� The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

� Don't forget the Singles Progressive Dinner, 14 August. Attire is optional.

� The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

� Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

� Attention Parents. There will be a conference on how to help your teen avoid pre-marital sex. The featured speaker will be Molly Kelly, a nationally known speaker on abstinence and mother of eight.

� Ladies, don�t forget the rummage sale. It�s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

� Don�t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

� For those of you who have children and don�t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

� Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on 24 October in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

� Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

� This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

And a rather sad one:

� Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

Comparative theology?

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In one church, the pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years as to why people don't go to church, included �Ten reasons why I never wash� in the Sunday Bulletin:

1. I was forced to as a child.

2. People who wash are hypocrites�they think they are cleaner than everybody else.

3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can�t decide which one is best.

4. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.

5. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.

6. None of my friends wash.

7. I�ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.

8. I can�t spare the time.

9. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer.

10. People who make soap are only after your money.

From �A Bundle of Laughs�

J John and Mark Stgibbe